DIY Chain Job Application

DIY Chain Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to a well known DIY chain, he got the job because of his good humour.


Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)


Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

Desired position:

Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?

Desired salary:

£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package.  If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle



Last position held:

Target for middle management hostility

Previous salary:

A lot less than I’m worth

Most notable achievement:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes

Reason for leaving:

It was a rubbish job

Hours available to work:

Yes that’s why I’m applying

Preferred hours:

1:30- 3:30pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

Do you have any special skills?

Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment

May we contact your current employer?

If I had one, would I be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs.?

Of what?

Do you have a car?

I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

Have you received any special awards or recognition?

I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me

Do you smoke?

On the job- no! On my breaks- yes!

What would you like to be doing in five years?

Living in the Bahamas with a wealthy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread, actually, I’d like to be doing that now

Nearest relative?

7 miles

Do you certify that the above it true and complete to the best of your knowledge?

Oh yes, absolutely

Sign here:


threesixty selection – Management & Executive Recruitment Practice. Specialist Search & Selection in Finance, Purchasing, Supply Chain, Manufacturing & Sales.

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