DIY Chain Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to a well known DIY chain, he got the job because of his good humour.
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle
Last position held:
Target for middle management hostility
A lot less than I’m worth
Most notable achievement:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes
Reason for leaving:
It was a rubbish job
Hours available to work:
Yes that’s why I’m applying
1:30- 3:30pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
Do you have any special skills?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment
May we contact your current employer?
If I had one, would I be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs.?
Do you have a car?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
Have you received any special awards or recognition?
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me
Do you smoke?
On the job- no! On my breaks- yes!
What would you like to be doing in five years?
Living in the Bahamas with a wealthy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread, actually, I’d like to be doing that now
Do you certify that the above it true and complete to the best of your knowledge?
Oh yes, absolutely