Genuine Job Application for a major DIY Chain
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to a well known DIY chain, he got the job because of his good humour.
Name:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
Sex:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
Desired position:
Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?
Desired salary:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle
Education:
Yes
Last position held:
Target for middle management hostility
Previous salary:
A lot less than I’m worth
Most notable achievement:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes
Reason for leaving:
It was a rubbish job
Hours available to work:
Yes that’s why I’m applying
Preferred hours:
1:30- 3:30pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
Do you have any special skills?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment
May we contact your current employer?
If I had one, would I be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs.?
Of what?
Do you have a car?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
Have you received any special awards or recognition?
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me
Do you smoke?
On the job- no! On my breaks- yes!
What would you like to be doing in five years?
Living in the Bahamas with a wealthy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread, actually, I’d like to be doing that now
Nearest relative?
7 miles
Do you certify that the above it true and complete to the best of your knowledge?
Oh yes, absolutely
Sign here:
Aries